We Just Want Someone to Tell Us We Matter

The Human Desire for Recognition

I have a love/hate relationship with writing online. On the one hand, I really do enjoying expressing myself via the written word. I’ve loved it since I was in junior high. And I think I'm pretty good at it. But, the flip side is that most writers want to have readers, and that means choosing a way to get the word out (so to speak).

In this case, it's Substack. Along with thousands and thousands of other writers, I'm stringing sentences together in the hopes that someone out there might appreciate them.

Where am I going with this, you ask.

Well, writers are people (despite what some might say). And people want to matter. We all want to be told that we matter. That our presence in the world makes a difference. That we're contributing something of value. That we're loved and appreciated. That if we disappeared from the face of the earth right now, at least one person would notice.

So what do a lot of people do? We try to get likes, shares, comments, followers, subscriptions, etc. on the Internet. On social networks. In online communities. We hope that maybe, just maybe, if the number gets high enough we'll feel like we matter. That the hole inside of us will finally be filled. 

The Creator’s Dilemma

The problem is, that rarely works. Or, it works for a while then the inevitable burnout happens. In the past few days I've seen several creators I admire say they're quitting, scaling down, pivoting, and otherwise making massive changes to how they're showing up online.

All too often, we follow this path:

• Start sharing something you love online...and nobody cares
• A few people care, and that makes you feel good
• The confidence helps you level up
• More people come, and so you double down
• Traffic starts pouring in...it's really happening!
• You start comparing yourself to others, who are growing faster
• Now you have to monetize, via ads, courses, books, paywalls, etc
• You feel like you're behind, so you hire someone(s)
• You get farther and farther from the actual creation process
• There's pressure to financially support the team you've built
• You try to convince others that your path is the best way to live
• You lie to yourself and others, that you're happy and fulfilled
• You no longer enjoy what you're doing, because it's not what got you started

I've seen it play out in many creators, indie hackers, and entrepreneurs. They start out just wanting to be told that they matter. That their ideas are valid. That they know things others find valuable. They want to be seen. They want to feel.

My Personal Experience and Realizations

I've not made it very far down that list up there because I don't stick with anything long enough (damn you, ADHD). And honestly, I don't want to become a full-time creator that can live solely off what I produce. Whether that's writing, videos, a podcast, a course. It's fun, and I enjoy doing it, but I have a family to support and things I want to see in the world. And a reliable income enables that to happen.

Not all jobs will allow people to take time for themselves, and spend it with people they care about, visiting places that excite them. I totally get that. I've been lucky for the past 7 years or so to find myself with awesome employers. And my wife is in the same boat, so anything I create on the side can be for pleasure. It doesn't have to make me any money.

I'm not saying you, or others, shouldn't try to make money by creating something. Who am I to tell someone else how to live their life? I just personally am not in that boat right now, and I realize that it's all too easy to fall victim to the survivorship bias.

Survivorship bias is a cognitive shortcut that occurs when a successful subgroup is mistaken as the entire group, due to the invisibility of the failure subgroup. The bias’ name comes from the error an individual makes when a data set only considers the “surviving” observations, excluding points that didn’t survive. (thedecisionlab.com)

We see the highlights, the ones who've made it, the glitz and the glamour. In a way, the whole creator space is like one big MLM scheme (maybe I’ll write more about this in the future). Of course, many people do it because they genuinely enjoy it and they feel a calling to do so. I would never deny that.

So, What Now?

Some of the most powerful writing comes from a place of longing, loneliness, struggle, and frustration. With that comes the hope that some of the attention our writing gets will fill a hole deep within us. For the most part, I think all of us who are putting ourselves out there on the Internet are just looking for someone to tell us that we matter.

Why not start by telling yourself that you matter? Why not be your own biggest fan? I shit on myself far more than I shit on anyone else, and more than anyone else shits on me (that I know of). If I can't be supportive and appreciative of what I bring to the world, can I be upset if others don't fill the gap for me?

This post has been brought to you by the hole in my soul that desperately wants the approval of strangers in order to feel whole. Not really. But sort of.

And remember...

You can’t spell humanity without u-n-i-t-y.